Strong, but at what cost? 💪😔

What if you could ‘choose better’ rather than ‘carry more’?

We often talk about resilience as if it were the ultimate goal.

I’m looking at you with the ‘be strong‘ driver (hello, young Lynn).

If you can smile through enough setbacks, work a 12-hour day week in and week out and tolerate all the politics and BS without breaking stride – well, go you. (But for how long?)

Resilience can become a trap.

But it’s sooo hard to see it sometimes.

Because you get praised for it.

‘She’s really dedicated’

Admired for it.

‘Wow, he has an amazing work ethic’

Rewarded for it.

‘All those long hours deserve recognition’ (well yeah, but what about the results?!)

So you keep going.

Keep carrying the heavy weight.

Sit in endless ‘committee’ meetings where talking a lot but achieving nothing becomes the norm.

You keep ‘bouncing back.’

Until something snaps.

Somewhere along the way, you start mistaking survival for strong leadership. ‘I got through another day. That’s to be celebrated’ (Is it, though?)

You start believing that your ability to withstand dysfunction and chaos makes you strong.

You build a life – a career – on bouncing back instead of asking why you keep getting knocked down in the first place.

Say this out loud:

Endurance is not the same as wisdom.

Pain tolerance is not the same as power.

Real leadership isn’t about how much you can take.

It’s about how clearly you can see when something is no longer worth taking.

It’s about choosing to stop calling the fire ‘normal’ and walking away.

And that’s harder, lonelier, counter-intuitive.

And, let’s be honest, a little bit scary. (Because who am I if I’m not ‘the strong one?’)

Resilience has its place.

But it was never meant to be your whole identity.

You are allowed to expect better.

You are allowed to choose.

You are allowed to say ‘no more.’

You were not put here to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders.

You were put here to choose.

Let that wisdom guide you – it’s there when you give it time and space to emerge.

Where are you tolerating that you no longer have to?

The best leaders don’t avoid getting stuck.

They notice it – and choose to ‘unstick’

Over the years, working with senior leaders, I’ve noticed something interesting.

All good leaders get stuck.

But the great leaders are the ones who notice it and decide to move through it and out to the other side (even if they don’t quite know where to start).

Because, of course, noticing it doesn’t automatically mean knowing how to shift it.

Especially when those old scripts and default behaviours kick in.

There are three patterns I see again and again in the brilliant leaders I coach:

The Firefighter – Always solving, always fixing, always reacting. ‘Hoping’ that things will slow down ‘soon’. Because there’s never enough time to do the bigger, meatier, more ground-breaking work that makes the biggest splash in the ocean – and gives you a nice pay rise or promotion. They’re the ones speaking at 90 miles an hour and losing everyone else in the smoke.

Unhelpful thoughts: ‘There are never enough hours in the day.’ ‘It’s quicker to fix it myself.’ ‘It’ll take too long to delegate.’

The Team Mum (aka the Nurturer-in-Chief) – Protecting your team, shielding them from the tough stuff – and quietly burning yourself out. (Note: I’ve told many of my female clients to ‘stop being Mum’. I’ve only once said ‘Stop being Dad’ to a male leader. Coincidence??)

Unhelpful thoughts: ‘My door is always open’; I wouldn’t ask them to do something I wouldn’t do myself’. ‘They’re already overloaded’

The Quiet Dynamo – Delivering brilliant work, but getting overlooked because you’re not a shouty d**k waver. (This applies to many senior women working in male-dominated environments like tech, finance, and manufacturing.)

Unhelpful thoughts: ‘I don’t want to interrupt – it’s rude’; ‘They’ll never listen anyway’

Now, you might recognise yourself in all three of these descriptions – depending on the time of day, the meeting you’re in or the people you’re with.

You can put out fires in the morning, shield your team by lunchtime, and feel invisible by 3 p.m.

It’s completely understandable.

But if you stay stuck in those cycles too long, it takes its toll.

Burnout. Frustration. Feeling like you’re working twice as hard for half the recognition.

And sometimes, when you can’t bear it anymore, the champagne cork might pop out of the bottle – all that pent-up frustration spewing out in one big rant.

If you’re familiar with the Karpman Drama Triangle, you’ll spot the patterns I’m talking about: Rescuer → Victim → Persecutor.)

But all of this is fixable and figureoutable.

You just need the key to unlock all that is possible for you.  (Hey, it’s why I called my book Leader Unlocked.)