Going round the same old doom loops?

When arguments or conflict (silent and unspoken or loud and shouty) erupted in your family growing up (if it did) – what was your role?

Did you try to keep the peace?

Did you fight to be heard – boxing gloves at the ready?

Did you freeze, shrink, run to your bedroom or hide in a corner?

Did you storm out, disconnect and take your anger elsewhere?

Many of us can still act out those early, unconscious roles without realising it, especially under pressure.

We think we’re leading in the moment.

But sometimes, we’re replaying a pattern that got wired into us when we were five or fifteen.

Unless we’re aware of this stuff, recognise it and know when we’re triggered, how we learned to survive back then is likely still influencing how we lead through conflict today.

I wish I’d known all this when I was so much younger. It would have saved me a lot of pain and frustration.

Full disclosure: I was an appeaser most of the time until I became a very angry-with-the world-door-slamming  14-year-old. A couple of years later, it was back to appease again until I trained as a coach and started what we pretentiously call  ‘the inner work’ (A revelation!)

None of this is about blame, shame or judgment.

It’s about awareness.

It’s about options.

It’s about growth.

When you were a child, you didn’t have many choices.

You needed strategies that kept you safe, loved and connected.

Those strategies were probably smart then.

But now?

Not so much.

You can develop new ways to stand your ground, hear others, flex under pressure or hold healthy boundaries – without reverting to freezing, fighting, fleeing or appeasing (fawning).

Ask yourself:

• Were you the peacemaker then – and are you still too quick to rescue, smooth over, or make yourself responsible for everyone else’s feelings?
• Were you the aggressor – and are you still fighting battles that don’t need to be fought, because your nervous system only knows how to operate on a war footing?
• Were you the avoider – and are you still finding reasons to sidestep hard conversations, letting resentment grow like a slow leak you don’t have time to fix?
• Were you the victim – and are you still unconsciously expecting others to overpower you – so you adopt the brace position and shrink or self-sabotage? Or blame everyone else, plus your circumstances for everything that is going wrong right now?

Now, the good news:

Awareness (and adulthood!)  is the first act of rebellion against the old wiring.

You get to choose differently now.

You get to grow the muscle you didn’t even know you needed back then.

You get to break the cycle in yourself, in your teams, in your leadership.

And you don’t have to ‘become someone else’ to do it.

You don’t have to become louder, harder, colder, or meaner.

You become more you – just a freer version. (Whether you’re 30, 40, 50, 60 years old – and beyond.)

One that can hold discomfort and silence without panicking or waffling.

One that can engage in conflict without collapsing.

One that can challenge others and stay connected.

One that knows: “I can disagree with you and still respect you – and myself.”

This is a core part of the work I lead clients through. Self-doubt is one of the biggest obstacles I have had to overcome and I now have the expertise, the frameworks and the guidance to lead you through the process that helps you move past it. If you want to feel liberated and lighter, drop me a DM.